Absolutes

This post has been a long time coming and I'm really just writing it for myself more than anyone else.

Today I was sitting in the hallway at a building at Utah State University where Luke receives a lot of his therapy. This was a first---me sitting in the hallway waiting, while he was in the room just with the therapist. Talk about major cutting of the apron strings!

I was sitting there in a total daze staring at the carpet with thoughts of "how did we get here?", "are the appointments ever going to end?", "how can we better support Luke's needs?", "what will things be like in 2-3 years, 5 years, 20 years?" Questions, Questions, Questions! When out of no where a lady walked up and said, "Are you here for the interview?" Without even thinking, I laughed and said, "No, I already got the job, I'm the mom!"

At first I just laughed about it, but then with more time to think, the depth of that statement sunk in. Sometimes the most obvious of things are the most poignant if the timing is just right. I AM THE MOM! Luke is my child, Luke is amazing, strong, beautiful, precious, smart, a boy with a will of iron and the endurance of a champion & I got the job to be his mom. WOW!

In the last several months I have cried enough to fill buckets. I have cried and cried as the reality of the scope of Luke's challenges have unfolded. Why have I cried? Let me explain....

I have cried not because I am stressed over all the million appointments, calls to insurance companies, dr. offices, internet research on every ingredient, vitamin, mineral known to mankind (slight exaggeration, but only slight!). I have cried not because this whole situation has changed our family, each one of us, no because there have been so many blessings in that. I have come to realize all the amazing ways that our hearts have opened and lessons that we have learned that could never have come through any other way.

The reason I have cried is because while I understand and accept all that I need to learn from this and am totally willing to carry on, I have really struggled to understand and accept why Luke has to endure this. I don't want his life to be harder than it has to be.

So, I have cried to release all the sadness that life is hard, sometimes harder than we expected it to be, sometimes a lot harder than we expected it to be. At several points along the way I have had amazing moments of reassurances of Luke's strengths, the Lord's awareness and the ultimate power of the Atonement.

So, I don't have all the answers to the questions that were running through my head today (everyday!), I don't even have very many answers at all. When you have this many uncertainties, you are forced to look at the absolutes.

The absolutes are that:
1. Luke is making progress, albeit slow, he is making some progress in the areas of awareness, behavior and communicative intent.
2. He is meant to go through this for a purpose (that statement is extremely painful still for me to admit, although I know it's true.) I may never fully understand all the purposes of it in this lifetime.
3. Aaron and I love him so incredibly much that we will not leave any rock unturned to try to help him meet his potential in this life. We feel this way about each of our children.
4. I am here for Luke, through everything---EVERYTHING! I got the job, I'm his mom and I get it---I get him!
5. Our loving Heavenly Father is completely aware of Luke's struggles. He is guiding all of our efforts in Luke's behalf.

I would love to look back on this post and think, "that was hard, but everything turned out great!" I have a tremendous amount of hope for Luke's future, but the other absolute is that no matter how things turn out, words could not even scratch the surface to describe how much I will always, absolutely love that child.